As we approached the park and the snow covered mountains started to rise up in front of us, I knew that we were doing the right thing. It felt right.

 

And on Sunday after we all went out for breakfast together, we donned our cold-weather gear and drove the scenic drive to the trail head. We specifically chose a shorter walk with no incline so that we could go back to visit for many years to come, even as we get less mobile.

 

We found a spot on the lake's edge with magestic mountains framing the lake on all sides. She just told us that she wanted to be "in the mountains", but never gave us a specific spot. But, Brent informed us that he had been on this walk with her when he was younger. She had been there. She had found beauty and joy in this spot. This was the right spot and I truly believe that it is where she wanted to be.

 

We lit her memorial candle, read a poem and said goodbye again as we laid her to rest in that crystal clear lake surrounded by her mountains. It was hard and beautiful and emotional and it was "right".

 

That spot will have a special meaning for all of us now and we'll be back to visit many times.

 

I love you Mom and I miss you.

When I lived in Winnipeg, my roommates had a rule that at Thanksgiving, we went around the table and everyone had to say at least one thing that they were thankful for. I think that a lot of people find this a bit cheezy, but to be honest, it was nice to acknowledge the people and things in your life that you might not always specifically point out.

 

This week, I have been sleeping better and having very vivid dreams. I attribute this to getting back to the gym, but that's a different story.  My dreams haven't been as weird as they usually are - they've been about what's going on in my life. Last night it was about waiting for the furnace repair guy to come and about thanksgiving weekend, the night before it was about trying to get homework done, etc.  The one common theme though, is that Mom is in all of them. Sometimes she is alive and well and helping me solve a problem and in others, she is in the hospice and I am dealing with some issue on my way to visiting her, but either way, she is there.

 

Maybe this is to remind me that she is with me, or maybe it's more factual than that because we are quickly approaching the time when we have decided to scatter her ashes as she wished. All I know is that when she is in my dream and we are able to have a good conversation, I don't really want to wake up and have that end.

After all of those years of saying that it's the multi-taskers that are going to get ahead, a new study comes out. I'm not very good at multi-tasking in all honesty so maybe that's why I generally write exams well?  I dunno...I'm still very easily distracted!

Exactly one year ago today, Mom was moved to Grace Hospice. It was sort of like the beginning of the end. Sometimes it feels so long ago - so far away and other times, the grief and pain are so fresh that it feels so recent.

 

The staff at Grace Hospice were amazing and will always have a special place in my heart. They make dying as comfortable and as dignified as possible. And they support the family in a way that I have never seen in another health care facility. They are special people who work there because what they deal with every day is not easy.

 

This day brings great sadness, but it also helps me to be grateful for the time that we did get to share with Mom. And it makes me think of people in my life that are going through their own grief or health scares. The experiences are different, but I think that the emotions are the same.

I can't believe that it's been over a month since I got back from New Zealand already!  One of Mom's friends called it a pilgrimage and I like that thought.

 

Mom went to New Zealand to spend time with Auntie Mary when her mom, my grandmother passed away. She wanted to share those memories with Mary and let Mary know that despite the distance, we know that the pain of loss is still there. So, I went on a "pilgrimage" to do the same. Auntie Mary and I shared some memories, some stories and some tears. It was so hard for me to leave her after getting to know her better because it pains me so much to think of her alone in her room most of the days. On the other hand, I met some of her friends that look out for her and ask after her and some of the fabulous workers at the home. Knowing that there are people there to care for her and being able to put faces to names and voices over the phone meant a lot to me.

 

I also met a friend of Auntie Mary's and a friend of Mom's who has now turned into a friend of mine. Barb and her family's hospitality was beyond compare. They'd never met me and they just took me in. They are absolutely wonderful people and Barb has one of the biggest hearts I have ever had the priviledge to meet. She and Mom must have become such fast friends because of matching generosity.

 

New Zeland itself is a beautiful country - or at least what I saw of it. I spent most of my time in Whangarei, where Auntie Mary lives as well as Parua Bay where I spent my evenings. It's a smaller town but has some great sights. Even during their winter, the scenery (and weather) was amazing. I spent one morning at Ocean Beach and McLeod Bay. I also got to go up to Kerikeri for a weekend with day trips to Paihia and Russle. On the way back to Whangarei, I took the long route past Opononi, through the Waipoua forest and to Baylys Beach. To end my trip, I went to Christchurch for the day to spend time with a woman that Mom went to highschool with. Again, the generosity there was amazing. What an interesting and intelligent family! Anyways, Christchurch is definitely somewhere that I'd like to explore a bit more.

 

All in all, the trip was exactly what I wanted it to be: mostly about spending time with Auntie Mary. And I felt Mom with me while I was there.  I'll go back for tramping and such another time! :)

This was on one of those signs with the slide in letters outside a church on my way to work this morning. I love the tactics of some of the churches and got a kick out of this one.

~Former First Lady Johnson

As part of the packing process, I wanted to go through my filing cabinet and throw out things like my 4 year old Hydro bills and 2000 tax return. However, in one folder labeled "letters", I found some gems. It was full of letters from penpals from elementary school, letters from my aunt and grandmother, a postcard that Mom sent me from NZ, letters from friends that had moved away in highschool...but really, most importantly, letters and cards from pretty much every significant boyfriend I have ever had! Wow! Reading some of the notes brought back some great memories and a lot made me laugh out loud.

 

Then I did something very uncharacteristic of me, I threw them all out. It was great to have the nostalgia, but I'm not that same person anymore. I appreciate the relationships I've had, but wouldn't go back. Thanks guys for helping make the person that I am! And thanks C, for helping me move on! :)

This weekend, C spent Saturday with his nephew. They went shopping for a bit, played video games, we went for supper. A pretty standard day. About 3 hours after we dropped him off, C checked his phone and there was a voicemail saying that they just found out that his nephew has head lice.

 

I am freaking out. Logically, I know that the chances of transfering it to me are slim, but I still washed every sheet and pillow case in the house (which is actually also totally unproductive since they don't attach to inatimate objects). My head is itchy and I keep imagining nits in my hair only to find it to be a split end.

 

And you know what? It's not the bugs in my hair thing, it's that I remember being absolutely devastated in Grade 2 when I got head lice from the girl I shared a locker with. My mom spent hours combing through my hair and using the special shampoos but nothing would get rid of them. I ended up having to cut my hair from half-way down my back to the jaw line so that the combs and shampoos and whatever else could be more effective. I remember "forgetting" to take my toque off that first day back at school because I was so embarrased.

 

Who knew that such an event would be so traumatizing but I am definitely realizing now that I still am carrying that memory with me.

"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain, to show them we love them, not when we feel like it, but when they do." ~Nan Fairbrother

 

I really liked this one from my page-a-day calendar!

I just got word that my house is sold. 4 days after putting it on the market, and 5 days after the offer (yes, that's right, the offer came before it went on the market) and for the exact price I wanted. I only had one "showing" and since it was before it was on the market, I was there and the one giving them the tour. Wow! It was obviously meant to be!

 

This is a weight off my shoulders (and C's too I'm sure since I was going a bit crazy with his pop cans and towels all over the place), but it also means that I can get a head start on packing which is AWESOME!

 

Hopefully this house luck continues with the sale of C's place in a few months but with two sweet deals in a row, it might be high hopes!

So this whole house buying with C has been pretty good. We both wanted the same things and knew what the other person wanted. And no, we didn't find our "perfect" house, but unless you have a LOT of money, the perfect house just isn't out there. It's been a reasonably good experience. And we had a great realtor who played hard-ball for us.

 

But now, the process of putting my house up for sale has been a little...less smooth, let's say. I'm totally stressing over the littlest things. Part of it is just who I am - I want my house to be clean when people come over, showing a house is just multiplying that by 10. Chris is a little less concerned. But I'm also realizing that freaking out about a pop can here and an unwashed window there is my way of projecting my stress over things I can't control onto things that I can. I think that I'm freaking out because putting my house up for sale is like a symbolic "end of Jenn".

 

Ok, I know that's irrational, but I guess I'm proud of the fact that I bought and maintained a house and a yard on my own in my mid 20s. That's being taken away from me. Now, I have no big "thing" to prove that I am "Jenn" and not simply a part of "Jenn and Chris". For those who know me, know that I've never liked to be introduced or referred to as "so and so's girlfriend" and I very rarely refer to Chris as anything but "Chris" in conversation because I feel that people need that identity. I guess all this is part of growing up....

 

...Funny that we are attached and part of a greater entity in childhood (our parents mostly) then fight for our independance throughout our teens, only to be defined again as an entity with someone else in adulthood.

My last entry also made me think of another discussion topic...and I would actually love comments.  If you think someone is "the one", and then it doesn't work out....were you wrong before?  Or are there more "the ones" than just one for each person? If you have that "this is the one" feeling again, do you trust it?

 

I've never had "the one" feeling before so I don't really know. But I do have friends who've said they've met "the one" and gone on to marry someone else....

 

Just something to ponder.

For those who know me well, it might be a bit shocking. It's a bit shocking to me even. Chris and I are going out tonight to look at houses together. We've been talking about it for about a month, but Friday we went to the bank to get pre-approved and tonight, we're scheduled to check out at least 4 places. And you know what, I'm not freaked out. Ms. Non-commital herself is comfortable with the situation.  Ms. doesn't-even-have-her-facebook-status-changed-to-in-a-relationship is doing well. Chris even asked me if I was getting worked up while we were sitting waiting for the bank rep last week - guess he knows me pretty well too.

 

Maybe I'll freak out after tonight when it's more real?  Who knows...but I don't think so.  This is right.

 

And you know what, after having so many people tell me that I'd know when it was right and me never believing, well, you guys were all right. And to those out there who are questioning, you'll know when it's right. I know you don't believe me now, but you'll know. That said, if there is any doubt in your mind, then it's not right and you should get out. A friend of mine said to me "we should either get married or break up" when talking about her relationship and to be honest, I'm sure that I've heard the same words coming out of my mouth. But now that I'm older and wiser (haha, yeah right), that shows to me that it just wasn't "right". I'm happy.

 

Btw, don't tell Chris that I said any of this - he doesn't need his ego stroked!

 

Oh, and when we find the place - I'll definitely send pictures!

Not that I have never struggled with weight or anything like that, but I've just come to the realization that I'm "at that age". At that age where to put it nicely, my aunt said "you can't just quickly kick start your metabolism like you used to."

 

I used to fluctuate plus or minus 10lbs quite regularily and no, I was never completely happy (how many women are?), but I was comfortable knowing that if I put on a little, I just needed to get to the gym one more day a week and I'd drop it again. Now, it seems that I need to cut about 300 daily calories from my diet and exercise every day just to maintain my current weight which is still up 15lbs from the fall. I still haven't found what I have to do to actually lose weight but whatever it is, I'm very scared that I won't be able to keep it up (I'm also one of those people who needs 8 hours of sleep). And to top it off, I'm a comfort eater. So I'm depressed and frustrated about my weight so to make myself feel better, I eat. Vicious cycle Jenn, vicious cycle.

 

If 30 is the new 20, and 40 is the new 30, and so on, why haven't our bodies realized that slowing metabolisms should now happen at 40 and menopause should now start at 55?!?!?

I booked my flights last night and I am now heading to kiwi-land for the first two weeks of August. 

 

I have been having a hard time spending any of my inheritance because it's just money. I would give it all back and more for one more conversation with Mom. But that's not reality. I was talking with my uncle about it and he said that I needed to do something meaningful, something that would help me remember. So, I got to thinking...and when my grandma passed away, Mom took some of the money she received and went on her first trip overseas by herself to visit her Auntie Mary. So, I've decided that I will make the same trip to visit my great aunt.

 

I'm hoping that it will mean so much to Auntie Mary as well. She's 92 and has lost most of her eyesight, she can't travel anymore and has no family except the 6 of us in Canada. This is not going to be a drinking/partying holiday, it will be about learning about Mom's side of the family from the only person left to tell the stories, it will be about connecting, it will be about reading, writing and deep reflection.I am hoping that this trip will be therapeutic and provide me with more closure to the past year. I hope, no, I know that Mom would approve.

 

Well, I'm back from my little trip from Ottawa. I talked about it with numerous people and it really had been 2 years since I'd been there and seen my friends. I think it's really nice that no one had really changed that much and that we were all able to just start talking like it'd been 2 weeks instead of two years. Those are true friends.

 

The weekend made me grateful for those friends, but also sad because it also made me realize what a big part of my life they are and how much it sucks not to be able to see them more often!

 

I also carried my camera around with me the whole weekend intending to get pictures of me with each person, but yeah....that didn't happen so still no update on the photos here!

 

Thanks again to those who cooked for me, let me stay and even to those who just took the time out of their schedules to catch up quickly. Gros bisous!

I'm leaving for Ottawa tonight for 4.5 whole days (which for the record, is simply not enough time)!

 

I am honestly as excited about this trip as I was about going to Mongolia, because for me it means that I get to see my best friends. Being more emotional of late, I can see myself breaking down into tears more than a few times over the next few days. This trip is what I wanted for support all last fall and what I said I was going to do for myself when Mom passed away. And now it's finally happening. I can finally catch up with fabulous friends who were there for me throughout all of the past year! I really really can't wait!